complications

my life is full of complications.

i have a huge one going on right now, and absolutely no one i can talk to about it.

how did i get here?

how did i end up so alone?

my first mobile blog

i am feeling happy today. and cute. i like that my hair is finally getting long. 'bout time!

dreams

the dreams in which something physical happens, not sexual, and you wake up and you have some sort of injury or pain, always creeps me out.

i dreamt that i was kneeling on a bus bench, leaning over the back, trying to reach someone i recently lost, and i kept slipping, whacking my head against the back of the bench.

i woke up with my head hurting.

i don't want to feel this sadness that is eating away at me, that is infiltrating my dreams, but i do. it will pass, and i will be okay. i know this. i just know i will emerge a different person. this is not necessarily a good thing. my trust for people is dwindling. i'm much better off just worrying about me, and saying fuck you to everyone else. really, it is the only way.

walking away

i'm not sure why i'm even blogging on here. you'd think that i already have enough blogs, but maybe i'm just tired of everyone and everything and trying to get away from it, trying to post things in a place where i don't have to worry about anything.

i've definitely been happier than i am right now.

i don't see the point in trying to maintain any of the friendships i currently have. maybe that is selfish, but no one else is trying, so why should i?

i wasn't meant to ever have any close friends. people rarely call me to do things, and i'm tired of being the one doing all the calling.

i feel like i've lost all of my friends that i was getting close to, within a matter of moments. i know moving away would just be me running from my problems, but the thing is that i have come to truly hate myself. i hate who i am, i hate the things i do or say. i hate how i look. i just really hate me, and i don't think there is anything i can really do that will change who i am. i will always be this fucked up. i will always be alone.